Over the past month, this blog has focused on the topic of Therapeutic Parenting.
We started by considering what ‘therapeutic parenting‘ actually means and then moved on to consider if it is becoming the new quest for parenting perfection. We then thought about how therapeutic parenting is impacted by the world in general. Last week’s post finished by considering how therapeutic parents often feel they are battling with non-therapeutic services.
Is Therapeutic Parenting The Answer?
If the question is ‘how do we best parent previously traumatised children?’, then I think therapeutic parenting is our best chance at an answer. My experience is that it certainly works better then more traditional approaches to parenthood – like the ones most of us were raised by.
However, I don’t think it is the whole answer and I’m really concerned that it is often being presented as such. For therapeutic parenting to be it’s most helpful I think we need to consider these 10 factors.
1. Clarity of Meaning.
As I wrote in that first post, I think we lack a clear definition of what the term ‘therapeutic parenting’ means. For any idea to be put into practice properly it needs clarity around it. There are a number of different models available that define therapeutic parenting. However, they tend to define it as it relates to their particular model.
When I developed my 3B’s model I did so as an integrative approach. I looked at research, theory and practice across the field and considered what they had in common – which turned out to be a lot. I think that there is so much good advice out there that I didn’t want to ignore it or arrogantly state that my way was the only way. I love that parents can use the 3B’s model to become more therapeutic whilst also including ideas from Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (Dan Hughes’s PACE Model), Non-Violent Resistance , Theraplay Restorative Parenting etc.
Whatever meaning we give to ‘therapeutic parenting’, it needs to be backed by research and inclusive of all of the great ideas available. Too narrow a definition and we limit the options available to parents. Too big a definition and we run the risk of parents adopting an unclear and inconsistent approach as they flit between different ideas without a clear idea of how they unite.
2. Education.
Therapeutic parenting doesn’t come naturally to most of us. Most of us grew up in families that reflected the parenting approach of our times – essentially the ‘you’ll do what your told because I’m the parent and you’re the child’ mentality. Sound familiar?
Becoming therapeutic has for me meant challenging some of the beliefs I held about the parent-child relationship and developing new skills. I haven’t always found that easy. Education has been an important part of my growth but it’s still not available to all foster and adoptive parents. And when it is available, it’s not always good quality. I’ve sat in a lot of training where I have felt that the trainer has completely missed the mark in how they have presented information. Sometimes they are too theory based and don’t relate the information to practice – ‘Ok, so what does that mean when you have a child who’s self-harming?’ or ‘how do you approach a child with a playful and loving attitude when they’ve just hit you?’. Often they have had the attitude of ‘if you just do this everything will be fine’ which is neither helpful nor true.
I have never, not once, been trained by someone who is a foster or adoptive parent. And I’ve been to a lot of training. I know there are parents out there delivering training but they are few and far between. I’d like to see more parents at least being part of the delivery of education. I believe those who have sat up half the night with a child who refuses to go to sleep or cried alongside their hurting child or changed yet another wet bed etc have valuable insight to share.
3. Practical Support for Parents
Parents can’t get to training if no-one will look after their children. Parent’s can’t afford training and books if their children are costing significant amounts of money in damages, theft or time off work. Parent’s won’t have the emotional resources if they don’t have time off from their parenting role. Relationships will be impacted if couples don’t get quality, child-free time together. Finding a babysitter when you child has additional needs is really difficult. Getting a babysitter to return for a second time is the holy grail of foster and adoptive parenting!
We need to think holistically about the needs of both the parent and the child and look to ways to help meet these. (click here for my vlog on why I take childless holidays).
4. Emotional Support for Parents
I don’t know of a single foster or adoptive parent who hasn’t been impacted by their role. Therapeutic parenting means you are more emotionally vulnerable than if you parented traditionally. When my son experiences a rage informed by his trauma it is far easier for me to send him to his room and not have to deal with it. Responding therapeutically often means keeping him close and thus being more emotionally invested myself in what is happening for him.
When we allow ourselves to be more reflective of our children’s trauma, it often leads us to reflect more on our own trauma history that is often also being triggered. When I really started to understand my children’s trauma and attachment needs, I also started to see my own. It was not easy.
Personally, I would like to see more emotional support available to parents. I have seen huge benefits in fostering agencies employing psychotherapists to offer counselling for parents but this is rarely offered. Due to the funding requirements of the adoption support fund and the laws around therapists working within adoption, therapy for adoptive parents is also rarely available. I consider this short sighted. When parents have good quality emotional support available to them they are, in my opinion, much more capable of meeting the challenging demands of their parenting role.
5. Respect for Parents
I go to training and I’m essentially told that the way I parent is the key to my child’s success and that no-one knows them as well as I do.
I go to LAC reviews and my views aren’t requested or respected.
I go to professional meetings around the care plans for my children and….. oh, no wait. I don’t go to those meetings because when it comes to my children I’m not a professional and am not considered knowledgeable enough. I get the feedback of the decisions made at those meetings and then have to challenge them through complaint procedures or manage the impact those ill-informed decisions have upon my children.
I’m angry at the moment over this so perhaps best I don’t write more here. All I will say is that if parents are going to be told the importance of their role in training, research and literature, that needs to be reflected in the respect given to them the rest of the time.
6. Therapeutic Services
Some fostering and adoption agencies and local authority children’s teams are way behind in their understanding of therapeutic practices. And I mean really behind.
We need services that respect, understand, uphold and compliment the work done by therapeutic parents – professionals who are open to learning and services who are willing to move away from traditional approaches themselves. Therapeutic policies and practices would not only benefit the parent and child but also direct workers. It’s time that teachers, social workers, and other front line staff were afforded proper therapeutic supervision and a workplace that helped them to feel both safe and cared for.
7. Funding and Resources
This factor is a bit of a no-brainer. All of this cost money, time and resources so Prime Minister, we could really do with some!
8. Flexibility
Often therapeutic parenting is presented as a ‘one size fits all’ approach. Not only that these approaches fit all fostered and adopted children but that they work in all situations and at all times. Any parent who has put them in practice will tell you that this is not always true.
I find it more helpful to think about maintaining general principles rather than tying ourselves down to specifics. Principles that apply to all children. For instance, ‘parenting should help a child to feel safe and loved’ is for me more helpful to keep in mind than a list of rules about what I should and shouldn’t do. All children need to feel safe but how that is achieved may be different for my child than it is for yours.
9. Realistic Expectations
We must be realistic when discussing therapeutic parenting.
It is not a quick fix. Highly traumatised children, even with the best possible parenting available to them, cannot be ‘cured’. We cannot cure children at all. All we can do is provide them with relationships that offer them the best opportunity to heal. Healing could take years, decades, the rest of their lives or, in some cases, may never occur. In many situations, maintaining and containing a child is in itself a tremendous achievement for any parent to manage. We need to recognise this.
We also have to be realistic that you cannot be therapeutic all the time. There’s a reason why therapists and counsellors typically see clients for under an hour at a time: it’s hard work to maintain a therapeutic relationship. If those who deliver training are willing to admit that they couldn’t do it 100% of the time, then we can’t expect parents to do so either.
10. Therapeutic Society
As I wrote last week, therapeutic parenting doesn’t happen in isolation. Our world doesn’t always feel safe and loving for me….. it certainly doesn’t for my children. Even with the best parenting in the world, fostered and adopted children will still have to engage with the world around them. They will still have to face difficulties that only add to their previous trauma experiences. No matter how therapeutic you try to be, sometimes you cannot help the situations you find yourself and your children in.
So, in short, I believe wholeheartedly in therapeutic parenting. But I also believe we need to have more thought around how we talk about it and how we advise parents to put it into practice.
I’d love to know your thoughts, so please do comment below or contact me via social media.
Love Fi
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