Last week I was involved in a discussion about the ‘need’ for a 10yr old child to have a mobile phone and a Nintendo DS. Surprisingly, this wasn’t a conversation with a child but with her social worker. In this case, the lack of these items was used as one of the arguments for the child’s neglect. It left me wondering at what point, if at all, material possessions can be said to be essential rather than desirable. It also left me wondering what she might think about my son not having his own mobile phone or a DS, and he’s 21yrs!
All this led me to thinking about a quote I love from Bruce Perry:
We live in an increasingly materialistic world. There is significant peer pressure on our young people to have more and to have the best. This may well be the focus of many of their requests of you. This may leave the impression that you can make them happy by buying them what they desire.
But this is one of the many differences between what children want and what they truly need. Think of the many examples of the rich and famous who have acquired all the wealth their hearts could desire, only to realise that they have not been able to buy their happiness.
I’m not against occasionally showing love to a child through gift giving. For some of our young people this will be a very different experience to what they are used to. It therefore can be very powerful.
But giving them your time is so much more meaningful and beneficial to their development. Being truly interested in them and engaged with them will do wonders for their self-worth. It will also significantly strengthen their relationship with you.
Regular 1-1 time with each of our children was key to how we supported them all individually. Finding ways to do this once we had 3 children was not always easy. We had to be structured and organised to ensure they each had their turn. But it was immensely helpful.
There were times when this was difficult. Life got busy, one child required more focus than his siblings or, quite frankly, my feelings around how they treated me got in the way of my desire to spend time with them. However, when I was able to overcome all of that, the benefit of time playing together was immense. It bought some joy to what was often a difficult living situation.
So I encourage you today to get down on that floor and play with your child.
Your own inner child will thank you for it.
I wonder what you favourite games to play are? Pop a comment below and let me know.
Books by Bruce Perry that I recommend:
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