Why We Must Discipline Children As Therapeutic Parents.

Discipline within the parent-child relationship has been a hot topic within therapeutic parenting over recent years. However, like a lot of conversations on parenting, it really is not new.  We can trace back conversations and thoughts around discipline that were occurring thousands of years ago.  All of the world’s major religions have texts that raise instructions and ideas about how to deal with difficult behaviour in children.

Discipline though seems to have become a politically incorrect term.  Organisations and services working with children are keen to avoid the use of the word.  In particular those with therapeutic leanings can often speak out directly against discipline.

But I think they are wrong.

I think that

and that

Recognising the reasons why a child might be misbehaving and responding therapeutically does not mean allowing the behaviour or excusing it.  It does not mean that there should be no consequences. It does not mean that we ignore the impact their behaviour has on those around them.

Discipline is an essential part of the therapeutic process.

And here’s why……

Discipline is about Teaching.

The word ‘discipline’ comes from the Latin word “Discipulus” which means to learn.  Therefore to discipline a child is to teach them.  It is not about ‘getting them to behave’ but about teaching them social codes and expectations and helping to develop their own conscience.  In other words, we discipline our children to help them learn to be self-disciplined.

When you think about your foster or adopted child, I wonder what they have learnt from their previous experiences of discipline?  Maybe they learnt to be ‘good’ because otherwise mummy would get angry and hurt them?  Maybe they learnt that if they did something wrong they would be isolated or shamed?  Or maybe they learnt that being ‘naughty’ was the only way to get someone to notice them?

When you discipline your child now, what do you want to teach them?

Discipline is about Boundaries.

Discipline gives a child boundaries around what is acceptable and what is not.  Discipline therefore helps our children to feel safer.  When children aren’t disciplined, when they are given free-reign to act as they please, it does not actually make them feel either safe or loved.

As human beings we need boundaries, especially if we are to live alongside one another successfully. Children need to understand that there are right choices and wrong choices and that all choices have natural consequences.

Children also need to develop their own boundaries to prepare them for future relationships.  They need to decide what is appropriate and acceptable behaviour from those around them.  Children who have had boundaries that are either too soft or too hard grow into adults who have boundaries that are too soft or too hard.  This can lead to disastrous relationships and poor life choices.

Discipline is about Relationship.

Discipline takes place within relationships.  Many great thinkers and religious leaders have had disciples that they have committed to teaching through developing a relationship with them.  The stronger my relationships with my children have become the more willing they have been to accept my discipline.

Just like all thing in relationships, this is a two way process.  As a parent I have taken the greater role in regards to discipline but my children have disciplined me too.  They have taught me so much about myself and at times they have raised topics that have made me go away and reassess my own behaviour.

As teachers we must be open to being taught by our learners.

Discipline is about Modelling.

I can remember being about 5/6 years old and being smacked for hitting my brother.  Even at that young age I understood the hypocrisy of what my parent had just done.  Similarly, I can remember the angry stare of my son when I shouted at him to stop being so loud.

Discipline gives us the opportunity to role-model to our children how to deal with situations we don’t like.  Inevitably we are human and therefore will get this wrong from time to time, in which case we are offered a great opportunity to role model how we repair any difficulties that have arisen as a result of our actions.

Children pick up on a lot.  They notice us as their parents and the way we interact with them and the world.  There was one day when I was having a long conversation with one of my children about a misbehaviour he was engaging in that had effected every member of the family.  His high levels of shame and his significant learning difficulties were not making the conversation an easy one.  My other son, who was about 12 at the time, walked past us and said “I think Mum needs a cup of tea in a minute”.

Somehow, without me articulating it, he had picked up on one of my self-care strategies.  When I can feel myself become frustrated and wound up with a situation I try to find a small distraction that momentarily gives me breathing space and also nurtures me.  Making a cuppa is often the one I go for.  I have drunk a lot of tea in my time as a foster-adopt parent!

Recently I was dealing with another discipline issue.  My son had done something, he knew we knew but he had not addressed it with us.  I misread this as him avoiding the situation and not wanting to take responsibility and repair the relationships.  I told him this and he said that that was not the case.  He knew he had done something wrong and that people were cross with him.  He decided that it was better to let everyone have some time to themselves and he planned to speak to everyone at dinner time and apologise.  He said he also was feeling very, very bad and wanted time to think about why he had done it and what he could do to make it right.  We discussed how other family members might interpret this but I did agree with him that his behaviour did not have to be dealt with straight away – he can now tolerate periods of disconnection because he is so much more secure and does not doubt that we will reconnect with him soon.

The need for space to process feelings and self-regulate he has picked up from me simply through observations.

I wonder what you model to your child?

Discipline is about Love.

Discipline is grounded in love.  When things have been difficult with my children and they have required a lot of discipline I often ask them why I am doing so.  They understand now that it is because I love them.  It would be a lot easier for me to simply send them to their rooms and tell them not to bother coming back down.  Discipline is hard work and at times it feels relentless.  However I want what is best for my boys and I know their experience of life will be greatly enhanced if they can learn to regulate themselves and control their impulses.

In conclusion….

Disciplining a child is not what is wrong.  It’s about the method we use.

If the method upholds the relationship by allowing them to

feel safe and lovable, use it

If it doesn’t, may you need to reconsider.

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