As a child, I used to love this time of year at school. Anything that got me out of a regular science lesson was very much welcomed. I’d happily put my name down for helping out the Christmas Fayre, staring in the nativity play and singing (badly) at the carol concert.

But I wasn’t a deeply traumatised young person.

Historically this time of year has been difficult for my children. Once December hit their behaviour deteriorated – a sure sign that they could not cope with the upcoming festivities. I remember one child review held in November where a headteacher talked about all the wonderful events the school had planned over the coming few weeks. Activities that would excite the majority of children but I knew were going to completely derail mine. The more she talked the more I thought how my son was never going to make it to the end of term. And he didn’t. Despite all efforts from us and his teaching staff my son was kept off school for the final few days.

So, as we enter the season of goodwill to all, let’s take a look at how school festive activities may not be fun to all children, especially those with trauma histories.

Reason 1 – Out of Routine

Children who have experienced trauma often need solid routine and structure. It helps them feel safe because it makes life more predictable for them. Many will find it hard to cope with being out of routine. In the final two weeks before one Christmas I noted that my 3 children had 23 activities that took them away from their normal school timetable. That’s 23 occasions that the adults saw as ‘fun’ and 23 occasions that my children saw as anxiety provoking.

If I had been a traumatised child I might have preferred to stay in that science lesson after all.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Does the child need to be out of routine? Is it essential for them to join in all activities? I find that working with them to design their own timetable for the last couple of weeks can be really helpful. If they decide they do want to go to the Christmas Market instead of double English getting them to put their choices on their own special timetable can be very empowering for them. Try not to overwhelm them further by giving them too many options though. The ‘do this or do that’ approach is best as it limits them to two options, making the decision process easier for them to handle.  In some occasions it may be helpful for schools to understand that the most helpful option may actually be non-participation.

Reason 2 – Anticipation Of Change.

For some young people the transition from term time to school holidays (and vice versa) is hard to manage. They may have a preference over which place they’d rather be in. For many traumatised children school is their place of safety. It is the place where they don’t get hurt and they do get support. Whilst other children will be delighted to run out of school on the final day, these children won’t be.  For other children, safety is found in their foster or adoptive home.  School makes them anxious and the transition back after the holidays will need to be carefully managed,

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Be aware of the assumptions we make about children and the Christmas holidays. As we start to countdown to the end of school I would advise wondering about what that ending means for this particular child. What support can you put in place for over the holidays? If they have a calm box at school could they take it home with them? Could you ask them to write a small journal during the Christmas break that you will read together in January? Journaling is a very helpful therapeutic activity for some children. If writing is a problem maybe they could draw a picture each day that they share with you on their return?

Reason 3 – Emotional Regulation.

On that last day of school I’m sure every parent in the playground is bracing themselves for the whirlwind that is going to come flying through the school doors the moment the bell goes. I think we are all generally in agreement that teachers intentionally whip them up into a frenzy and send them home to us that way on purpose. But I suppose if you work in education these days then you have to get your kicks somewhere, right?!?!

There is so much excitement around Christmas for children. Traumatised children are equally capable of joining in this level of madness. They just don’t tend to be capable of controlling their excitement levels once they’ve risen. Their trauma means that they can become excited more easily, find it harder to recognise when they do and significantly struggle to self-regulate their emotions.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Recognising what is happening and being compassionate towards them is the best approach here. In my work I see a significant rise this time of year in my young people being excluded from school. In most cases, whatever the behaviour has been, an inability to regulate their emotions is usually a factor. If we are increasing the excitement level in their environment then we must support them to manage the situation. Keeping them close to a regulating adult is essential.

Reason 4 – Saying Goodbye

When school breaks up the child experiences an ending. This may be significant if the child has had many endings in their lifetime. Many fostered children in particular have experienced multiple school placement moves. Often they leave at the end of term and (unknowingly to them) never return.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
This child may need some reassurance that they will definitely be returning. They might benefit from a planner that allows them to count off the days of the holiday ready for their return to school in January. A transition object can really help here too. One of my son’s teachers gave him one of her bracelets. He had to look after it all holiday and give it back to her on the first day of school. This reassured him that he would see her again soon.

Reason 5 – New Adults in School

Most schools are keen to invite parents and carers along to Christmas themed events throughout December. School halls across the country often having standing room only for the annual nativity play. While it’s lovely to see 100 parents turn up to see their offspring make their 30 second acting debut, this can lead to problems for traumatised children.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Be aware that 100 new adults in school represents 100 unknown threats to a traumatised child. That’s 100 potential abusers in the child’s eyes which may be simply too much for them to manage. There are ways to make them feel safer. Keeping them close to their key adult helps. Often they prefer to have their backs against the wall so everyone is in front of them. This helps them to scan their environment for any potential threat. Talking them through the event in detail can help them feel less overwhelmed, as can giving them a role that they can easily manage.  Don’t expect them to sit still, face the front and not fiddle with anything.  Their body will be in ‘survival mode’, fuelled with energy and hormones ready for them to fight or flight at the first sign of risk.

Reason 6 – Need To Perform

Many of the activities run in school in the lead up to Christmas require a certain amount of performance from the children. This is literally the case when we think about Christmas plays and choir concerts. However the need to perform is also there when a child is asked to ‘man’ the tombola stall or hand out the drinks to the visitors.

Children who have experienced trauma usually have insecure attachments. This will effect how they deal with this need to perform.  Some traumatised children will want to avoid any situation that means they get noticed. They often have high levels of shame (feeling they are not good-enough) and simply do not want people looking at them. They are likely to struggle with any kind of praise or recognition.

Other traumatised children will have developed to crave this attention. They will seek to be in the spot light and will be very sensitive to feedback. They also are likely to have high level of shame but will need high levels of recognition and praise. This might be because they fear what happens if adults don’t like them or focus on them. They are unlikely to believe any praise they receive but it will make them feel safer knowing they have kept you happy and engaging with them.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Giving them roles that they can succeed in is essential. My youngest child was desperate one year to be chosen to play Joseph but I agreed with his teachers that this would not have been a wise move. He did however sing his little heart out as a member of the choir. My eldest seeks to be the star of the show everyday, let alone at Christmas time. For him it is important that he has a part to play that gains him recognition whilst also recognising that it is not all about him. We are still working on that one! My middle son did an excellent job as a main role on one play but the most important part for him was simply that he got his name written with our surname in the production leaflet.

If you know the child well enough, you will know how to handle this one.

Reason 7 – Celebrations Begin Too Early.

Christmas is on the 24th-26th December. It does not start in September despite what the shops like to tell us. If your school is one of the many that begins it’s celebrates in November then please be aware that this is a long time for most children to contain themselves – especially children who’ve been traumatised.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
I suppose the obvious solution is to shorten the number of days affected by Christmas activities. If that is not possible then a classroom calendar may help especially for children who have poor sense of time.

Reason 8 – They Are Different To Their Peers.

Christmas time is family time. There is so much emphasis on the family during the season. The child will be so aware of what ‘normal’ family Christmases are about from the stories they hear from their friends. This can make them feel even more different to their peers.

This is even harder because of the way we portray the ‘perfect family’. Christmas adverts are filled with happy, smiley people sat around tables laden with food, pulling crackers with their nearest and dearest. They do not show the arguments over which side of the family you eat Christmas dinner with, who left present buying to the last minute or who is going to put Uncle Jimmy to bed now he’s had one too many!

As adults it’s easy to buy into this picture perfect ideal. It’s even easier for the traumatised child to compare their life to to this ‘norm’.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Understand that this child is different. Trauma impacts every part of who we are. They are not the same as their peers because they have not experienced the same love and safety. Pointing out how ‘everyone is different’ or ‘there’s no such thing as normal’ will be unhelpful. It may be true but to the child you are dismissing their thoughts and feelings. Instead empathise with how difficult this is for them.

The topic of being different is the theme of my first children’s book : Why Can’t I Do That – A Book About Brain Switches. It helps young people understand why their brains have developed differently to their peers.

Reason 9 – The Parents Who Never Came.

I remember my eldest’s first Christmas play after he came to live with us (he was 11yrs). He literally had gone on about it for weeks. Chatting incessantly. At the time I took this to be normal child excitement but knowing him better now I can see that he was really, really anxious. Every time he spoke about it he would ask if we were coming. Every time we would say “yes”. As we got nearer to the event he would ask us about a dozen times each day.

We took our seats in the school hall and watched as he nervously came into the room. He scanned the environment several times and his anxiety was noticeably growing. Then he saw us and shouted “you came”. The whole production had to stop then as he ran towards us for a big hug and wouldn’t let go.

Afterwards we learned that this was the first time a parent figure had attended anything at his school. He was used to hearing that someone would come but then being let down on the day. He would then have to watch other children sharing the experience with their parents and would wonder why he wasn’t good enough to be loved like they were.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
Some parents won’t come to school events or can’t come due to work or other commitments. There was a day when Gail was working and all our boys had events on at their three different schools. The reality was that I couldn’t go to them all and the issues around favouritism meant that it was actually better that I didn’t go to any of them. What we did was ask family and friends who could go to do so instead. They recorded the events for us and we had a film evening to watch all of the recordings. It wasn’t perfect but it was the best choice at the time for us.  A teacher might be able to send mum/dad some photos or tell them all about it at home time.  They certainly will be in a great position to offer compassion and empathy to the struggling child.

Reason 10 – Countdown to Trauma?

Is there a chance that this child could experience more traumatic events over the Christmas period? I know that this is a significant time of the year for families to argue and break up. The nature of Christmas traditions force families to spend time together when for some it may actually be best that they don’t.

I wonder what this child associates with the festive season? Could it be the time of year that Mum gets even more drunk than usual or Dad asks for his ‘special Christmas present’? Maybe one or both parents won’t be around or the child will have to spend time with relatives she or he would rather not see.  Any trauma that the child has previously experienced at Christmas time (for instance in their birth family) will likely be triggered again once the tree goes up and the turkey gets put in the oven.

Therapeutic Approaches That Help:
There is great power in simply coming alongside a child and hearing their story. To know that you are interested in them and care may be something they have not experienced before. When children talk about upcoming events that might be difficult it is easy to start trying to problem solve with them. I would encourage you not to do this, certainly not immediately. Just listen. Hear what they want to say and be with them in that moment. Ask them what they would like you to do. Let them know that whatever happens you will be there for them when school returns.

Report any concerns you have but be realistic about what can be achieved before the end of term. With that in mind increase work on building the child’s inner resources so they are more able to cope with the situation.

It is sad to think that there are children in our school who need us to think in this way. It can be heartbreaking to see them struggle with an experience other children find so enjoyable.

And yet there are ways to help. Teaching staff can and do make a massive difference to the lives of traumatised children.

And I promise, the difference you can make is worth so much more than anything Santa could bring them or Ofsted will ever truly appreciate.