When my wife and I started fostering it was to offer permanency to young people. We knew that there were many children in the care system who could not be adopted (for various reasons) but also were not likely to ever return to their birth families. We always said that we wanted to offer a home and a family for a child as long as they need us. For some this might be a few weeks, for others it might be a year, and some would never leave.
If they did leave us we simply wanted them to do so in a better position than they had come to us and to leave positively as part of a plan that was best for them.
As you may know from reading my book ‘I Can’t Do This – When Fostering and Adoption Feels Too Hard’ , our boys were only supposed to be respite placements….. eleven years later they are our adopted children and have a lifelong position in our family.
Like other young people with trauma and attachment issues, our boys needed a lot of reassurance about their position with us. They each had experienced moving on from other foster placements prior to living with us. Consequently, they were understandably anxious that the same might happen again.
So how do you make sure young people know that they aren’t going to face another move?
Well, you can’t, and it would be a mistake to try.
But to offer a child permanency in attachment you do not need to offer them permanency in your home. In fact it’s really important you don’t.
You see none of us have a crystal ball. We don’t know what is going to happen in the future and therefore can’t make promises that are out of our control. What if you get ill? What if the child’s needs become bigger than you can manage? What if the local authority decide to move them? What if……
Our young people have usually already experienced promises being broken and times that adults have let them down. Let’s not be more people in their life to do this to them. One of my children has had two parent figures tell them he will stay with them forever…. only for him to end up leaving with no ongoing contact. Is it any wonder that he finds it hard to believe he has relationship with us for forever?
So, if we can’t promise them a place in our homes forever, how do we reassure them of our commitment to them? Here are some of the things that I tell my children…..
- I will love you forever, no matter what.
- You will always be able to have a relationship with me for as long as I am able.
- You can stay living with me as long as everyone feels safe and loved.
- I look forward to being a Nana one day.
- The deal is that I look after you now and you care for me when I’m an old lady, right?
- You know, I really would never want to live my life without you now.
I look for opportunities to tell them I’m committed to them long term. I talk about events way in the future and make it clear that I expect them to be there. I encourage all my friends and family to see the children as belonging to us.
And in times when their ability to stay living with us has been a concern (for safety reasons) I’ve told them that no matter where they are I will always be their Mum and always be a part of their life if they want me to.
And that’s a promise.
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