I think it’s a normal part of parenting to think you’re screwing up at least half of the time. I often tell my children that I’m saving up to pay for their therapy in later life, in which they can deal with the impact of having me as a parent. Of course that’s a bit tongue in cheek but there is a grain of truth behind it.
Parenting has been my biggest challenge as an adult. It has certainly felt like my biggest responsibility. It’s a scary thought that someone else’s life can be so dramatically impacted by my actions. In my work I’ve encountered many new and soon-to-be-parents and heard them speak about their intentions regarding parenting. They want the best for their child and so try everything to be the best they can be. I frequently have to remind them that
Each time I say it, I think how helpful it is to remind myself too.
This month my blog posts are focusing on the topic of therapeutic parenting. My last post questioned what exactly therapeutic parenting is and future posts will question whether it is ever enough to meet the demands of traumatised children. In this post I want to address one of my growing concerns around therapeutic parenting.
Is Therapeutic Parenting The New Quest For Perfection?
There are lots of models and ideas around therapeutic parenting. When read in detail they all seem to emphasis that perfection is not required. However, these models are not always presented to parents in that way. I have left many training sessions feeling more knowledgeable and yet less capable. I heard one very well-known therapist speak about his model and became increasingly angered throughout the day. Afterwards I realised that it was because I felt shamed for all the times I didn’t get it right for my children and discouraged by the lack of empathy and understanding. I find the theory of parenting easy. I find the practice a whole lot harder.
Parent Needs.
When people talk about therapeutic parenting, they tend to talk solely about the needs of the child. They don’t often fully appreciate the needs of the parent. When parents come to learn about these parenting models it’s usually at a time when they feel things with their child are very difficult. They are stressed and needing answers. I believe therapeutic parenting holds those answers. I also believe that the idea of it is often presented in a way that increases parental stress. The struggling parent is often told that they need to make big changes to their parenting approach and do so quickly before they further ‘damage’ their child. I don’t think professionals are often aware of the huge shame parents experience through the way we explain concepts and the language we use.
Furthermore, we must recognise that many of us were not parented therapeutically ourselves. Switching to a more therapeutic approach requires a great deal of learning. It’s like learning a completely different language to some. There is theory to learn so we can truly understand what we are aiming to achieve, there are techniques to develop, there are family systems to change, there are partners to convince and, most importantly, there is a often a huge amount of personal reflection and growth to be had. None of these things are easy, particularly if parents are already stressed and shamed.
Unrealistic Expectations.
Often parents say that they can’t be therapeutic parents because they aren’t therapists. The response usually given to them is that they don’t have to be therapists. I’ve heard this said countless times and have never heard any professional give a different answer. I’ve also never heard them ask the parent to explain more of what this means for them.
I think when parents say this, what they are really saying is one of two things.
Firstly, they are saying that they lack the training and knowledge that they think therapeutic parenting requires. Isn’t it understandable that parents feel this way? In all the many courses I have attended on this subject I have never, not once, been taught about therapeutic parenting by anyone who isn’t a therapist or social worker. It is understandable that parents, often provided with very little training, feel that they are not equipped for the job.
Secondly, the way that therapeutic parenting is presented often suggests that the parent needs to be a certain kind of person. They have to be highly reflective, open, loving (no matter what), able to manage difficult behaviour calmly, able to continually assess their child, make links between trauma and behaviour, have high levels of empathy and compassion, not take things personally (don’t get me started on that one!) etc etc etc.
The list seems endless. And the added pressure is the suggestion that if you can’t be all these things, all the time then your child will never ‘get better’…… and their behaviours will be a permanent feature of family living. I know that in the early days I became really fearful of not ‘doing it right’ and that only increased my feelings of not being ‘good-enough’.
Intuitive Parenting.
When I work with new birth parents I often tell then to read their child rather than reading the latest parenting books. I want them to develop the instincts they have around their babies and become attuned to what the child needs rather than what the latest ‘expert’. Attunement can be more difficult for foster and adoptive parents. It requires a level of child attachment and parent bonding that is not always possible, especially in the early stages.
However, I do worry that sometimes parents get too wrapped up in the theory around therapeutic parenting. Some of the parenting techniques proposed in some models are presented as ‘you must do this because it’s what all children need and if you don’t you aren’t being therapeutic’. However, not all techniques work for all children. Parents must be encouraged to develop their own instincts around what is best for their child.
I believe in therapeutic parenting. It saved my family. We were at the point of considering placement breakdown when I was first introduced to the concept. However, I think professionals could be much more helpful to parents in how they present the idea and the language they use around the topic.
My final post in this series will suggest what this may look like in practice. So, if you don’t already, please subscribe to this blog to receive posts as they come out.
For now, just know that even with therapeutic parenting, good-enough is good-enough.
Fi 🙂
p.s if fostering and adoption has led you to feel that you might not be good-enough, you might find my latest book helpful: The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Shame – How To Feel Good-Enough as a Foster or Adoptive Parent.
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