Why We Are Foster Parents not Foster Carers

Different countries around the world use different terms when it comes to the adult in the fostering relationship. In the UK it is typical to use ‘foster carer’.  I have always preferred the term ‘foster parent’ and there are many reasons for this. I feel strongly that we would benefit from adopting the term ‘foster-parenting’ and I’m excited by a trend towards doing this.  Let’s consider some of the benefits of this change in terminology.

Foster-Parenting Is A Role.

Firstly, I think the term refers not only to a relationship between me and the child but also to a role I take in their lives. I am a parent because I do ‘parent things’ – cooking, cleaning, caring for them, celebrating their successes etc. By using the language of parenting as opposed to caring I am giving a subtle message that the experience they have of me is that of a parent. In many cases this will significantly challenge what a fostered child thinks a parent should be like.

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Foster Parenting Is A Relationship

Secondly, what I do is so much more than caring for my children. I offer them a motherly relationship in it’s fullest. To reduce this down to a ‘carer’ role, is to discount the bonding desire I have for my children and the attachment I encourage them to have with me. Our understanding of relationships is that we would expect a ‘parent’ to be a more significant relationship to someone than a ‘carer’. When we describe ourselves as parents we are letting the child know that they are significant to us.

Foster Parenting Is A Commitment

Thirdly, the term ‘carer’ in our society is typically attributed to someone who provides support to another who requires this due to illness, disability, mental health or addiction. Carers (who I think do an amazing job by the way) should always aim to support the individual so that they no longer need their help, if possible. So the role of caring is often seen as time limited. This can also be the case with fostering but personally I have always been clear that any fostered child who was placed with us would be offered a permanent, life long position in our family whether they lived with us or not.

Foster Parents Are Additional Relationships Not Replacement Relationships.

Fourthly, the term ‘parent’ is no longer applied to just our birth parents. It is very common for children to experience being parented by additional adults (i.e step-parents) who do not take the child’s identity away from their birth heritage. They are extra people who love them, as are foster parents.

Many of the arguments for using the term ‘foster carer’ relate to the thoughts and feelings of the birth parent and I am sympathetic to how it must feel for your child to be removed from you and call another person ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’. However, I feel that with clear dialogue (where appropriate) between birth and foster parents this can be worked through to the benefit of the child.

I’m Your Foster Parent But You Can Call Me ‘Fi’.

All that said though, the definition I use most are the words the children tell me they wish to use in respect to their relationship with me. Be that Mum, Fi, Foster Carer, Aunty etc because ultimately I think it is the child who gets to make this choice and their choices can, and often do, change over time. I can be a ‘foster parent’ without being called ‘Mum’.

Although, as a final thought,

What do you think? How do you define your role and what does that mean for you?

Pop a comment below, I’d love to hear from you!