How you ever felt that maybe you just aren’t good-enough as a parent? That maybe fostering or adopting was not the right choice for you and in hindsight you realise that you just don’t have the qualities to be the parent you think they need. At least you struggle to do this consistently.
Maybe your feelings go beyond parenting? Maybe you just suck at being human? Maybe you struggle to feel you have anything of value to offer anyone or that the unfulfilling relationships around you are a symptom of your lack of worth. Alternatively, maybe you have great people around you but you’ve no idea why they are really there. Do you think they’d run a mile if they saw who you really were?
If not feeling good enough were an illness, I believe that the UK could be said to be experiencing an epidemic right now. So many of us have periods in our lives of feeling like we have failed in some way. For some, those periods of time are long and hard to overcome.
This is especially true for those of us parenting children who have been hurt previously. Fostering and adopting traumatised children is said to require ‘parenting plus’: additional skills, knowledge and expertise to meet our child’s higher needs. In addition, it is parenting under the spotlight with different services often involved. There is no need for an interfering mother-in-law to tell you how to raise your child when you have a whole team of professionals to do that for you!
And if the professionals aren’t suggesting you’re doing it all wrong, there’s a good chance your child is. Children who don’t feel good enough about themselves are often good at suggesting that the parent is the one who’s lacking. Their shame triggers ours and, in turn, our shame can trigger theirs. It’s no wonder that I see so many parents questioning if they can continue in their role, if they have anything of value to offer their child(ren).
Those of you familiar with my 3B’s model will know that I see shame as one of the two core beliefs that are the basis for who we are as people and the way we behave in the world. It is not only our children who ask the question ‘Am I Lovable?’. It is us too.
So, given my own history of not feeling good-enough as a parent, and the knowledge I have gained about shame and how to work with it therapeutically, I decided to write a book. It’s been a long time in the making. In fact I started this book long before my first published book (I Can’t Do This – When Fostering and Adoption Feels Too Hard) was even in draft form. I’ve written this and re-written this. I’ve spent months with my head buried in shame (literally), trying to understand it as an idea, a collection of experiences, a social construct and, most importantly, how that applies to fostering, adoption, my life, and possibly yours, on a day-to-day basis. It’s been hard going, but my personal and professional learning has been huge.
Given that you aren’t in a bookshop right now thumbing through a copy, allow me to tell you what is inside……
Part 1 – Understanding Shame.
If we are going to talk about something, we need to first understand what it is, right? In this opening section I consider what the word ‘shame’ actually means and the different ways we might experience it. For instance, did you know that shame is actually good for us? It’s helpful to us as individuals and also as a society. I consider how helpful shame develops and why shame might develop in unhelpful ways too.
Part 2 – Shame Behaviours
So, we all have shame. To some extent or another we all have times when we question our worthiness. What does this mean in regards to the ways we behave in the world. Part two considers how shame might be the basis of some of our behaviours.
Do you avoid situations or people that make you feel vulnerable (public speaking anyone?). When you feel judged might you end up snapping back with an unkind remark? Maybe you try to cover your feelings of shame by putting on a mask? Do you tell the world you’re ok when really you aren’t? Or that you can manage on your own when really you’d love someone else to share your burden?
Part 3 – Who’s Shaming You?
Shame can often make us feel very isolated and yet it is a relational issue. In this part I consider the Four Positions of Shame and how your shame might relate to the shame of those around you and vice versa. In particular, I consider your closest relationships, the shame of your fostered or adopted child and how you may be shaming yourself. I also explore whether the fostering and adoption system might be shame based (spoiler alert: it is!) and consider what this might mean for your parenting.
Part 4 – How To Feel Good Enough.
Reading about shame can evoke feelings of shame in itself, but don’t worry, I’m not going to leave you there! That would be rather mean of me. In part four I will consider the ways in which we can begin to heal our shame. I will give you ideas for exploring your worthiness, embracing your wholeness and emerging as your authentic self. Exciting right? Imagine if you could really see yourself as good-enough. What difference might that make to you and your life?
Part 5 – Shame Lies in Fostering & Adoption.
In this final section I got to have a little fun. Having been a foster-adopt parent since 2008, I’ve heard all kinds of ridiculous things said about parents. I’ve believed some of them. I’ve spent far too long trying to live up to parenting expectations that were, quite frankly, ridiculous in the first place. So I explore the following statements and consider if they really hold any shame for us:
- You have to be a saint to foster or adopt.
- You shouldn’t take their behaviour personally.
- Parents don’t have sex.
- You should feel lucky to have a child like them.
- You have to honour the birth family.
- Foster parents only do it for the money.
- Taking respite is selfish.
- They should be better by now.
- All they need is love.
- It can’t be that bad.
- You’re not a professional, so what do you know?
- Therapeutic parenting is easy.
Like I said, that section was a lot of fun to write.
I called this book ‘The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Shame’. I think shame is hard for us to speak about anyway and even harder when it is linked to a relationship with have with a hurting child. It’s easy to focus all our efforts on them and not see that inside each of us there may be another hurting child worthy of attention.
Members of the Belong community have also kindly shared their experiences too. The book contains quotes and stories from other parents about the things they find hard. I hope that this open sharing will enable readers to see that they are not alone, that many other parents feel the way they do too.
Get Your Copy!
The book is available at Amazon UK priced £15.99. As an introduction offer I have taken £5 off that price, making it £10.99 plus p&p. I will soon be making a digital copy available on Etsy.
Amazon does not allow me to combine postage or post cheaply worldwide so if you live outside of the UK or wish to order more than two copies, please email me your request at belong@belongts.com
This book has had a fantastic response from those who’ve attended my training courses and bought advanced copies. I hope it will be helpful to you too.
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