Every article I read online at the moment seems to begin by commenting on how we are living through ‘unprecedented times’. It’s hard to know how to start this blog post without stating the same. My last post on 10 Ways to Help Children Worried About Coronavirus has become one of the most popular things I ever written, perhaps because we all find ourselves in a situation for which we were little prepared. There’s a lot to think about and a lot of personal growth available for us all.
Within fostering and adoption, there is much to consider. The threat of Covid-19 and subsequent lockdown has had a negative impact at every stage of process. There are concerns about safeguarding children, delays in procedure, and even more of a shortage in available families. There is increased pressure on parents managing challenging behaviours at a time when access to professionals may be an issue.
Those concerns are real, but they are only one side to the story.
At the moment I could easily separate the families I work with into those who are struggling more than usual and those who are thriving. Whilst there is an understandable focus on the concerns and challenges at present, I’d like to use this post to consider why some foster and adoptive families are doing so well in a time of national crisis.
So let’s consider just some of the things parents are telling me are helpful for their children and see if there is learning for when we get to create our new ‘normal’.
No School.
This is the big difference, mentioned to me by so many parents. For many children with difficult life experiences, attending school is a big challenge. We can’t access learning unless we feel safe to do so and, quite simply, these children do not feel safe – at least not as safe as their peers.
Time away for school means time away from the stresses of exams, feeling ‘stupid’, not being able to make and sustain friendships, feeling different, needing to achieve, teachers with ‘big voices’, rules and expectations that are chronologically but not developmentally appropriate, and adults who don’t always understand trauma and attachment issues.
Time at home may provide opportunity for learning in a way that is more helpful to these children. When home is their place of safety, learning may be more achievable. This may offer foster and adoptive parents the chance to revisit some of the earlier learning opportunities that their children may have missed out on and fill in some of those developmental gaps.
A Contained Environment
I am one of those people who would rather arrive somewhere an hour early than 10 minutes late. You have no idea how much I battled with this part of me when trying to get three children out of the house on time to attend their various education and leisure activities. So much of family life is dictated by what happens outside the home. We have places we need to go, people we need to see and other responsibilities we need to take care of.
Without all this, parents are left to control their home environments in ways that better suit the needs of their children. If the news is too scary at the moment it can be delivered secondhand by Mum or Dad. If schooling is too hard it can be left to another time or taught in a different way. If one child needs a routine, set one. If another child needs less structure, go with it.
I firmly believe that foster and adoptive parents are usually the people who know the children best. This situation is giving them more autonomy on setting boundaries for their children without outside influence. If those children are then thriving, maybe we professionals can learning something from this moving forwards.
No Visitors
Being a foster parent means opening up your home to not only a child, but the many, many professionals that come with them. This can also be the case for adopters depending on their stage of adoption and individual situation.
And yet, for many fostered and adopted children having professionals in their home is actually unhelpful. Whilst it might tick a box for a statutory duty, it might also be really disregulating for the young person.
So many who have permanence through adoption or long term fostering have told me that they wished to be a ‘normal family’ without the need for professional involvement. They also raise questions about why LA’s feel the need to ‘check up’ on their new parents which adds to the distrust they can feel toward those they live with. Children with less security often fear the decisions of those they are asked to meet – will this be the day that their social worker comes to move them again? Unannounced visits tend to provoke anxiety in everyone – child and parents alike!
Knowing that such visits are not going to take place face-to-face at the moment is likely to allow some young people the opportunity to feel safer in their homes.
Increased Bonding Time
Parents are telling me that the increased time they are currently having with their children is allowing greater opportunities for bonding. I heard of some lovely examples of games and activities organised by parents as well as some wonderful moments of spontaneous joy and connection.
When children are more relaxed and parents are more relaxed we create a much better environment for connection, joy and comfort.
You Don't Have To Wear a Bra
When three parents tell you the same thing in one week, you know it’s important! Not needing to wear a bra or being able to stay in pjs all day may seem like a trivial thing to mention and yet I think it points to something much deeper.
For a lot of people, home is the place that they can be truly authentic. It doesn’t matter if they haven’t brushed their hair that morning or they are in a bit of a mood. There’s no need to be anything other than themselves.
Within the context of the fostering and adoption world, parents often feel a need to hide parts of themselves in fear of judgement. They worry about saying they are angry with their child, that their parenting strategies aren’t working or that they aren’t coping with their child’s behavioural issues.
For some parents, lockdown may be offering them a time of recovery from the exhaustion of always needing to be seen as ‘okay’.
I completely understand that for some foster and adoptive families lockdown is very negative. However, as we come out of it and begin to explore our experiences we need to also think about any good that may have come. I don’t think that we will ever return to normal after Covid-19. I think we will get to create a new normal. What that looks like for foster and adoptive services and families is down to us.
Whilst I would not have wished for this experience, I am excited by the learning and growth it allows us to have.
Please do share your thoughts and experiences below.
Keep safe, Fi
Leave a Reply