If you’ve seen the movie Instant Family, you might remember the scene of the adoption support group. In it, a new adopter shared that everything was going really well with her children and she couldn’t believe how well they were settling in. This was met with much laughter by other adopters, who suggested that they enjoy the honeymoon period in preparation for what may be about to come.
The idea of young people moving into a new foster or adoptive family and having a period of time before revealing their ‘true self’ is well known.
But it’s not only the children who do this.
The Honeymoon Period of Parents.
For parents, our honeymoon period begins as soon as we start the process of trying to foster or adopt. If you think back to your first meeting with a social worker or when you attended an information event, I bet you were trying to be on your best behaviour! Throughout the whole application process there’s an awareness that people are judging your ability to parent and provide a suitable family home for a child. Perhaps best then not to tell them about your lack of patience, arguments with your partner or mention any connection at all to creepy Uncle Dave.
No, you need to let them know that you will be the best person/people for the job. Of course mention some of your weaknesses (you don’t want them to think you’re a complete narcissist) but make sure you only reveal the ones that are not going to harm your application.
Above all else, let them know that you are capable. You will do a fantastic job of loving and caring for any child who is placed with you regardless of their struggles.
And do you remember what happened when your child moved in? I wonder what kind of parent you were? I think most of us fall into the trap of continuing the honeymoon myth with them (perhaps not knowing at the time what we are doing). We’re so eager for them to fit in and like us, that we try to be the best parent we can be. We may try to be the parent we think they want. We continue to be on our best behaviour and now that means convincing them that we are fun, trustworthy and can do everything they could possible need us to do.
If (when?) things start to get difficult it may be very hard for us to ask for help when we’ve spent so much time and effort convincing everyone we’ll be fine. Better than fine even. And so we keep our parenting problems to ourselves and turn our outward struggles into inwards ones. It was seeing this happen in so many families I worked with that led me to write my second book for foster and adoptive parents about shame.
The Honeymoon Period of Professionals
It’s not just parents who have a honeymoon period. Professionals and even agencies do too.
This begins when we first meet the parent or prospective parent. We are often so keen to make a good impression and for this relationship to go well that we too present a different version of ourselves and our organisations.
We tell parents about all of the training and support available to them without mentioning that courses may be continually fully booked, rarely happen or not actually be that helpful. We tell them to contact us anytime but reassure them that we know they won’t need to. What we really mean by that is ‘I really hope you can handle this yourself because my next free day is in three months time’.
When trying to find parents for a young girl we might happily mention her high intelligence but neglect to mention how this led to a fire at her home when she decided to rewire the house. We might say she is ‘keen to share opinions’ when what we mean is that she is continually argumentative, or that she ‘enjoys play’ when we know how easily this can get out of hand for her.
What Does This Mean?
When parents present the image that they can cope with anything, and agencies present the image that they can support any family, the chance of a successful fostering or adoption of a child significantly lowers.
Ultimately, fostering and adoption is about relationships. The relationship between the parent and child and the relationships that support that.
Just as we need to see the ‘true self’ of the child, we also need to see the ‘true selves’ of the parent and any involved professionals and organisation.
We all need permission to be imperfect in order that we might both be real and get any support we need.
When the join the child in trying to impress everyone, no-one is going to succeed.
True relationship only comes through vulnerability and acceptance of the whole self.
If you are a professional, you may wish to consider what your expectation are of parents and how fair these are in our current culture.
If you are a parent, you may wish to think about your expectations of professionals and how fair these are in the context of our fostering and adoption system.
And maybe we all need to think about the expectations we have of ourselves. How fair are you being to you? How ‘real’ are you able to be in all of the relationships you have?
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