Friendships are difficult for a lot of young people but particularly those who are living in foster care. I’ve yet to meet a looked after child with healthy friendships with their peers. Adopted children often have the same issues. There can be many reasons for this but here are 5 that often are true.
1. They Haven’t Learned How To Do Relationships.
The parent-child relationship becomes the unconscious template for all future relationships. Children who have not had a positive attachment to their caregivers will find all other relationships tricky. Foster/Adoptive parents can support this by offering themselves as a safe adult to whom the child can attach but this is often a long process and does not meet the immediate demands the child has for wanting friendships now.
It is not uncommon for fostered children to become ‘friends’ with young people who take on a nurturing role themselves and, although these relationships do not have a balance to them, they are often a good option for the fostered child who needs to develop significantly in this area.
2. Their Emotional and Chronological Ages Don’t Match.
It is often only when I see my son around young people his own age that I realise just how emotionally young he is. Fostered and adopted children often say how they feel different to their peers and the typical adult response is to tell them that everyone is different or to point out their similarities. I get this, in the past I’ve done it myself. It’s horrible to see your child so upset and we all can empathise with the desire to feel included.
But I would encourage you to restrain from this approach. Traumatised children usually are different and they know it. Tell them this isn’t the case in their eyes makes you either a liar or someone who doesn’t really understand them. This was what prompted us to write our first children’s book (Why Can’t I Do That – A Book About Brain Switches). In an upcoming post I will be explaining the Brain Switches Metaphor which is how we explain developmental delay to young people that allows them to understand their differences in a way that removes the shame.
3. They Keep Moving Foster Placements.
I once worked with an 11 year old who had moved into his 52nd placement. Yes, that’s right…. fifty-one placements had not worked out since he was removed from his birth parents at the age of 3. His school were concerned that he was ‘a bit of a loner’ and said his social skills were lacking. They were right but I think the true issue for this boy was that of a crippling sense of loss.
Whilst we would all hope that young people don’t have quite as many placement moves as this young man, it must be recognised that it is unusual for a young person to come in to the care system and find permanency with a family straight away – and even if this does happen they still have experienced the loss of the familiarity of their birth family.
So why would these young people invest in friendships they expect to lose? Isn’t it understandable that they guard their heart from further hurt? Time, commitment and consistency are the clear answers to this but none of those things are easy for the child or the adults around them.
4. They Are Drawn Towards Similar Children.
I can guarantee that if my children go to a new park or attend someone’s birthday party they will almost immediately find the one other looked-after-child even if there’s 200 other children for them to play with! There is a such a strong unconscious pull for them to be in relationship with other young people with similar experiences to them.
So great, they have a friend. The problem is that now instead of one child who doesn’t understand how to do friendships you have two and that needs a heck of a lot of support.
5. They Haven’t Been Taught How To Play.
Play is something we learn. Good-enough parents devote a lot of time to getting down on the floor to play with their children and engaging with them in a playful manner. Fostered and adopted children often haven’t had this experience in their early years. They don’t know how to play and need us to teach them in the same way that a toddler does. They need to understand issues like turn-taking, sharing, imaginative play, winning and losing. Children who can’t play end up either avoiding play themselves or not being invited to play by other children. Your 14 year old might need you to teach them to play in the same way a 2yr old does.
I wonder if any of these points might be true for your child? How do you support their social skills? Any questions or comments please do pop them below.
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