On Thursday of this week it’s ‘National Coming Out Day’. Did you know that? Yep. Apparently we need a day in the calendar in which to tell our loved ones about our gender and sexual identities!

Lots of people ask Gail and I how we handled coming out to our foster-adopt children.  There seems a particular interest in how they ‘took the news’.  So although I’m not particularly interested in making this blog a niche on LGBTQ parenting (that’s never really been our thing and there’s plenty of great blog that do) I will share this part of our story. I ask you to prepare yourself though for the upcoming trauma story.

In the lead up to fostering we were asked on several occasions how we would handle telling children about our relationship.  In honesty we hadn’t given it much thought.  We hadn’t hidden our relationship at work for many years.  Young people in the youth centres and in the children’s home we worked in knew we were each in a same-sex relationship.  This wasn’t because we made a big deal about it, just because we talked about having a wife when other female staff members talked about having a boyfriend or husband.  By this stage in our lives, are sexual orientation wasn’t an issue for either of us but, strangely, we kept being told it was going to be for a young person who lived with us.

So we prepared ourselves.  When would the questions come?  What would they want to know?  What would we say?  How would they respond?  We tried to think of every scenario.

But nothing prepared us for the horrors of what was to come………

Coming Out To Shane.

It happened on the third day of Shane being with us.  Gail was leaving for work and gave me the usual kiss on the cheek.  Shane giggled and said “you look like girlfriends to me”.  In utter panic I replied “we are” and waited for the enormity of that statement to sink in.  “Ok” he said and returned to gobbling down his cereal.

Clearly he was utterly traumatised by the ordeal.

Coming Out to Hayden.

For a few months I berated myself for the appalling way I had handled coming out to Shane.  He hadn’t mentioned it since and was now calling us both Mum so he clearly was very deeply disturbed and in need of long term therapy on this issue.

I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with Hayden.  Firstly I confirmed that the social workers were completely certain that they did want to place Hayden with us.  He already had so many difficulties, wasn’t a same-sex couple parenting him going to be yet another disability?  They didn’t think so but I wasn’t so sure.

On the day he arrived I decided I would break the news to him straight away.  No point hiding it from the kid.  Like ripping a plaster off, I now knew it was best to get these things done asap.  So I told him that Gail and I were both the Mummies in this house.  I said that some families have a mummy and a daddy, some families just a mummy or just a daddy, some families have two daddies but we have two mummies here.  He said he knew and went off to explore his new bedroom.

It’s been 11 years since that conversation.  He hasn’t mentioned it.  All I can think is that he’s so deeply traumatised that he has had to bury the feelings deep.  Poor lad is clearly in complete denial.

Coming Out To Scott.

Someone had already told Scott our big news before he came to live with us.  Phew!  I mean, I don’t think I could have handled any more drama.  No idea why he still wanted to move in though.

So there you have it, the ordeal of coming out to our children.  Clearly the most difficult conversations we’ve had with our children but they seem to have survived ok.  We are of course saving up for the long term therapy they are going to need throughout adulthood.

Anyway, here’s a picture of our boys taken after the revelation.  Don’t they hide their difficult feelings about having two mums well?

UPDATE: This post just got me suspended from pinterest for homophobia! In case anyone reading does not get my very-British-very-sarcastic humour, this post was intended to show that our kids couldn’t care less about the fact we are queer. One of the reasons they were placed with us is because the absence of a male in the house enabled them to feel safe initially. That safety has then allowed us to work with them on their views around men in general. Consequently, they no longer have any fear around the men in their lives and are accepting of their own maleness.

Every member of the LGBTQ community has their own story when it comes to ‘coming out’. I personally have never had any issues with young people, only adults. I do recognise though that I live in a country where my right to safety and freedom from persecution allows me to be public about who I am. I sincerely hope that one day that will be true for everyone around the world.

I hope National Coming Out Day treats you kindly.

Fi  😉