Barriers to Bonding

In my last post, I explored the difference between bonding and attachment. As promised, this post is about thinking through the reasons why a birth parent might struggle to bond with their child.

Emotional Awareness.

In my training, I’ve asked hundreds of foster and adoptive parent, social workers and therapists to name barriers to bonding. No-one has ever mentioned emotional awareness and yet, I would argue, this is perhaps the biggest potential barrier there is.

If bonding requires us to emotionally connect with our child, then we are going to be severely hindered in doing so if we are not emotionally aware ourselves. We may do an excellent job of the caring aspect of parenting, but we may still not be able to bond with them.

For me, this is the most prolific barrier to bonding. The reason for this is very cultural. The parenting approaches of decades past (the ones you and I grew up with) did not promote emotional engagement. On the contrary, for many of us emotions were something we were taught to fear and suppress. As a child I received strong messages about not being upset, jealous, over-excited, proud etc. I certainly was not allowed to be angry, particularly towards adults.

I don’t believe this was unique to my family situation. Ever friend I had at the time appeared to have been conditioned accordingly. As a counsellor now I am continually working with adults to help them express the emotions they were not permitted to have as children. For some of them (and myself), that learnt behaviour of emotional suppression and disconnection has come at a great cost and has taken time to work through.

Parent with poor emotional connection themselves can really struggle to connect emotionally with their child. Many parents have spoken with me about how painful it was to hear their babies crying. Whilst it’s understandable that we would feel distressed that someone we love is upset, often it’s more than that. The uncontrolled cries of our baby may be too painful for the little child living inside us whose emotions still remain unheard. Unconsciously, we might push aside our child’s emotions in the same way that our own emotions were once suppressed too. When this happens, bonding is prevented.

Post-Natal Depression.

PND is often the first thing people think of as a barrier to bonding. Also called Post-Partum Depression, PND affects around 15% of new mothers and can also effect fathers too.

The nature of depression results in parents being too overwhelmed by their own emotions to connect with those of their child. PND also can be reinforced by the other barriers to bonding that I am about to discuss.

Fear of Failure.

Parenting is hard. So it’s great that Amazon currently has over 100,000 books to help you out, or at least it would be, if they all agreed with one another. New parents are met with a relentless stream of advice on how to bring up their offspring. From handed-down wisdom to the latest research. Working out how to bring up your child without completely screwing it up seems like a minefield.

Is it any wonder that so many parents fear that they simply aren’t up to the job? Sometimes the process of trying to get it all right actually becomes a barrier for bonding. This post was intended to raise awareness rather than offer advice, but I find on this one I can’t help myself:

– unless it’s one of my parenting books of course 😉

If you follow my 3B’s model then you will know that if you focus on building a relationship that allows your child to feel safe and lovable, you really can’t go wrong. Your child will let you know what they need for this.

Unwanted Pregnancy.

For some parents a baby is not a welcomed addition to the family. It may be hard to bond with a child that you simply didn’t intend to have.

Sexual Trauma.

Similarly, some babies are not created through an act of love but through the act of rape. Whether this is a one off sexual assault or part of long-term abuse is irrelevant, the child is the product of trauma. This is an incredibly difficult position for a woman (or girl) to be in. It is completely understandable that they may struggle to bond with a baby who is a constant reminder of their ordeal.

Situation.

Bonding requires the parent to be able to focus on the growing relationship he or she has with their child. Many bonded parents describe those early days and weeks as though they lived in a bubble with their whole being focused on the needs of their baby. However, some parents do not have the luxury of such an experience. If there are other things happening in the life of the parent, they may not be able to focus solely on their child. They many not be able to focus at all.

Situational factors such as bereavement, divorce/separation, poverty, addiction and domestic violence can prevent bonding. This is especially true of any situation in which the parent perceives their own life is at risk.

Lack of Bonding Experience.

Some of the young people I work with now are the third generation from their families to have been in the care system. That fact deeply saddens me. Many of them have not experienced attaching to a parent who has bonded with them. If we never achieved a healthy attachment-bond with our own parents, we may now struggle to do the same with our children.

I consider a lack of bonding to be one of the many ways that emotional trauma can be passed down through the generations.

If we haven’t done some work on ourselves to address the lack of bonding we experienced from our parent, we may find we struggle to bond with our own children.

The Pregnancy

We’ve probably all heard stories of women who’ve gone off to work in the morning, felt a little unwell and finished the day as a mother to a baby they didn’t know they were expecting. Rare, but they happen. These women have missed out on the first opportunity to bond: the pregnancy.

Much more common is the number of men who are excluded from these pre-birth months in the first place. UK law offers very, very little to protect the rights of potential fathers to be involved in their offspring’s life. Men who are excluded from the day to day development of their child in the womb may find it harder to emotionally connect once baby has arrived. If in fact they are given that opportunity either.

Birth Trauma

I’ve never given birth to a child but I am reliable informed (in far too much detail for my liking!) that it can be rather painful. I think sometimes in the UK we forget that giving birth carries risks for the mother. We are fortunate to have a wonderful (though significantly underfunded) health service that mean our maternal death rates are very low. This is sadly not the case all over the world.

Even so, complications can sometimes occur during delivery that result in significant physical trauma for mother. The healing process from this, both physical and emotional, can result in difficulties with bonding.

Baby’s Health.

Of course, the birthing process is not just a risk for the mum. Baby can also experience complications that in turn can cause problems in bonding. For instance, in the case of premature babies, it may be several days between the birth and mum being able to see her child. It may be a lot longer before baby is well enough to be held. Here we have a double threat to bonding. Mum is prevented from having the physical touch that encourages the bonding process. She is also exposed to the idea that baby may not survive. It can be incredibly hard to bond with a child that you fear you may end up losing.

Similarly, if baby has an illness or disability, parents may struggle to bond. There may be great fear around their ability to care for the needs of the child or to identify with baby. Social stigma can also play a part. In the 1940’s my great uncle was born with downs syndrome. The story in my family is that his father, my great-grandfather, could never accept him as his own child. Although less common in the UK today, such stigmas do still exist.

Fear of Rejection or Abandonment

Some people have had such difficult experiences in relationships that they have come to expect to be rejected or abandoned. Some parents are very fearful that their child will not love them and so prevent bonding as a way of protecting themselves from future hurt. I’ve seen this many, many times working with young mums who’ve had their own difficult life experiences. Bonding and attachment together create a sense of belonging. It can be hard to create belonging with your child if you’ve never experienced it for yourself.

So, as we can see, there are many ways in which bonding can be hard for parents. What saddens me, is that when experiencing difficulties in bonding, parent are often then also met with judgement from others. This is so incredibly unhelpful and unfair.

It’s also worth saying that all of the examples above don’t necessarily mean that a parent will struggle with bonding. Everyone is different. I simply wished to recognise where the potentials are for problems to arise.

My post next week will focus on the bonding difficulties for foster and adoptive parents. I hope that this one has helped you to reflect on any experiences you had with your parents and any birth children, as well as what may have been the story for your fostered/adopted child and their birth parents.

Any comments, please do let me know below.